A little better...

OK- the last post was a total and complete pity party for myself. I am feeling a little better now. I spent a couple hours with Amie the other day and talked and cried and talked some more. She helped me get a little perspective that I just couldn't see. No, life is not fair and no, every one's life is not better or more fulfilled than mine. She is a problem solver like all of my closest friends (me too) but that day she just listened and didn't tell me what I needed to do or how I needed to feel. She just let me talk and gave me the space to say the things that I had not been able to say to anyone, not even myself. Thank you Amie.

Why?

I do OK for a couple of days, sometimes weeks and then bam! Emotions, sorrow and pity, failure and hopelessness become my closest companions. I can't figure it all out. You know 3 1/2 maybe 4 years ago I was OK with just being Aunt Kat. I had my sister's kids, Jutta's precious girls and Cindy's brood to babysit and love on and send back home when I had enough. I was OK with that, not thrilled mind you but I had come to accept that I wasn't going to be a momma like I hoped, not even a wife but I was Aunt Kat. I was important and loved. Then I met Bart. He wasn't even a possibility, I paid him no attention when I met him because let's face it, no man "wants" me. That is just not who I am. But I was wrong. He did want me and at 38, I got married and oh my goodness the dream of becoming a momma reared it's ugly head again. For the first few months I was OK, yes I did go a little COD about my cycle and the number of times we had sex and the timing of said relations but I was hopeful. Speed ahead now 13 months and I am distraught and no amount of fawning over me and trying to make me see that having a child doesn't define me does not work. I want a baby and that is it. There isn't anything you can say that would make me feel better. Life is not fair, I have not control over this, yes it is a miracle and only He knows the outcome, yadda, yadda. I want a baby and I don't think it is unreasonable for me to want one but at the age of 39 I am pushing my luck. Basically my doc said (in my own terms not hers) I am too old and too fat. But she did say it isn't impossible- don't loose hope and have I thought about exercise? No bitch, I never thought about that. I don't live in this body everyday and I didn't start my first diet at the ripe old age of 8. The only question I want answered is why? Why not me?

Saturdays

I really like lazy Saturdays. Bart is at work and I have the house to myself. I can clean the house and watch TV or play on the Internet at the same time. I really HATE to clean but I love the result so here I go.... Clean is just so daily or really weekly. I am going to finish cutting my squares for the I-Spy swap I signed up for and maybe start making the tote bags for my nieces. Wish me luck.

Happy Saturday

Nothing new in Holsapple abode.I went shopping today with Mrs. Susan and Emmalee at Sam's. I am not sure if I saved any money but I am taking my receipt with me to Wal-Mart to night when I get the rest of my groceries and I'll see. I need to do so much housework but I just don't feel like it. I'll get it done eventually but for now I'll make do. I need to find a way to motivate myself, cookies just don't work anymore =).

I hope I don't crack

Sometimes I think I am losing my mind- I know how I should feel but I I feel the exact opposite. I swear there are more people pregnant than not right now. At school last semester there were no less than 5 pregnant women and of all the blogs I follow there were 5 or 6 (I lost count) in the last month that have announced that they were pregnant. I want so badly to be pregnant- to have a child of my own but I feel like God is not willing to give me that precious gift.  I am not good enough. I feel like a broken record and no one wants to hear me cry about it, or worry about it anymore. Who wants to be around someone who is permanently depressed? So I am going to fake it until I make it or I crack up, which ever happens first.

Tired...

I am tired. I just can't figure out why cause sleeping is not helping. I am emotionally tired. I cry at the drop of the hat and I am NOT pregnant. I can only wish. If you know of a way to get rid of this tiredness let me know.

Black Friday

Ok- perviously i had never partaken in the Black Friday maddness but since joining the Holsapple family i have now experienced it twice and I love it. I don't really like the getting up early part but otherwise I enjoyed it. I don't really need to get up that early to get anything because the things I want will still be there at 2:00 when I would normally go out but i run interverence for Jutta and keep her on track and let her know when she is going overboard. I am almost done shopping. I just have a few gift cards to pick up and Mr. Barry and Bart left. I pretty much know what I want to get for Bart but I am at a loss for Mr. Barry. Something will pop up...