Failed again...

Well, we didn't succeed at making a baby this month either. I feel like a defective human. All I want is one child, not much you would think but wrong when you talk about me. i can't seem to do anything right. i get married as an old lady, i can't loose weight to save my life, and I am just plain worthless. Why can't my body do something right? Is my point for being to help everyone else and to never have what I want. i don't want to be a martyr- let someone else do that job. i just want a little family and be normal. That is all I have ever wanted and I have never been normal. Why should I start now? Really?!?!

And the year begins...

Another school has begun. It is quiet strange for me to start school without Mr. J. I will miss him as my principal but mostly I will miss him as my friend. Don't get me wrong, it will be nice to not be looked at as a snitch or a spy as I was with Art. People couldn't get past the fact that Art and I have and will always keep school and our friendship separate. Not that I didn't want to hear all the scoop and gossip about school but he didn't share. The new principal seems nice. I'll give her a chance.

Bart and I are now past our 3 month period of not being able to "try" to get pg. I need it to happen soon. I am trying to use to the idea that I might have to adopt. I am not opposed to adoption by any means- my mom was adopted at 2 years old. I just thought I would be able to have my own. So here is another beginning- a season of trying and praying and hoping all goes well.

A little better...

OK- the last post was a total and complete pity party for myself. I am feeling a little better now. I spent a couple hours with Amie the other day and talked and cried and talked some more. She helped me get a little perspective that I just couldn't see. No, life is not fair and no, every one's life is not better or more fulfilled than mine. She is a problem solver like all of my closest friends (me too) but that day she just listened and didn't tell me what I needed to do or how I needed to feel. She just let me talk and gave me the space to say the things that I had not been able to say to anyone, not even myself. Thank you Amie.

Why?

I do OK for a couple of days, sometimes weeks and then bam! Emotions, sorrow and pity, failure and hopelessness become my closest companions. I can't figure it all out. You know 3 1/2 maybe 4 years ago I was OK with just being Aunt Kat. I had my sister's kids, Jutta's precious girls and Cindy's brood to babysit and love on and send back home when I had enough. I was OK with that, not thrilled mind you but I had come to accept that I wasn't going to be a momma like I hoped, not even a wife but I was Aunt Kat. I was important and loved. Then I met Bart. He wasn't even a possibility, I paid him no attention when I met him because let's face it, no man "wants" me. That is just not who I am. But I was wrong. He did want me and at 38, I got married and oh my goodness the dream of becoming a momma reared it's ugly head again. For the first few months I was OK, yes I did go a little COD about my cycle and the number of times we had sex and the timing of said relations but I was hopeful. Speed ahead now 13 months and I am distraught and no amount of fawning over me and trying to make me see that having a child doesn't define me does not work. I want a baby and that is it. There isn't anything you can say that would make me feel better. Life is not fair, I have not control over this, yes it is a miracle and only He knows the outcome, yadda, yadda. I want a baby and I don't think it is unreasonable for me to want one but at the age of 39 I am pushing my luck. Basically my doc said (in my own terms not hers) I am too old and too fat. But she did say it isn't impossible- don't loose hope and have I thought about exercise? No bitch, I never thought about that. I don't live in this body everyday and I didn't start my first diet at the ripe old age of 8. The only question I want answered is why? Why not me?

Saturdays

I really like lazy Saturdays. Bart is at work and I have the house to myself. I can clean the house and watch TV or play on the Internet at the same time. I really HATE to clean but I love the result so here I go.... Clean is just so daily or really weekly. I am going to finish cutting my squares for the I-Spy swap I signed up for and maybe start making the tote bags for my nieces. Wish me luck.

Happy Saturday

Nothing new in Holsapple abode.I went shopping today with Mrs. Susan and Emmalee at Sam's. I am not sure if I saved any money but I am taking my receipt with me to Wal-Mart to night when I get the rest of my groceries and I'll see. I need to do so much housework but I just don't feel like it. I'll get it done eventually but for now I'll make do. I need to find a way to motivate myself, cookies just don't work anymore =).

I hope I don't crack

Sometimes I think I am losing my mind- I know how I should feel but I I feel the exact opposite. I swear there are more people pregnant than not right now. At school last semester there were no less than 5 pregnant women and of all the blogs I follow there were 5 or 6 (I lost count) in the last month that have announced that they were pregnant. I want so badly to be pregnant- to have a child of my own but I feel like God is not willing to give me that precious gift.  I am not good enough. I feel like a broken record and no one wants to hear me cry about it, or worry about it anymore. Who wants to be around someone who is permanently depressed? So I am going to fake it until I make it or I crack up, which ever happens first.