Offically Over

Christmas that is. All of the decoration are down and packed up, just waiting on hubby to haul them into the attic. We had a very nice Christmas but I just can't believe it's another year and still no baby. When will I give up? At the ripe old age of 41 I need to give it up soon. I just can't let go of the idea that I was meant to be a mom. I really just can't. Yeah, I am a great aunt and a good wife and the bestest of friends (if I do say so myself) but I still feel like I am missing a part of my soul, like I am just not complete, unfinished somehow. But enough of that... time to be a big girl and move on. To what? That I am not to sure of but I am sure it will find me.

As the New Year approaches

How many resolutions have I made over the last 40+ years of my life? I would bet 99% of them all had something to do with losing weight. Why break tradition, this year will be the same. My goal this year is to break the 200 pound mark by my birthday this year. I am about 20 pounds away from this goal and I think if I am diligent this is doable by May. In order to reach this goal I am going to: 1. run 3 to 4 times a week, 2. no more ice cream will be brought into this house! If I want ice cream then I will have to go out and buy it in single servings, and 3. I will stay away from bread. I will do this... no excuses!

Good Enough?

Why isn't my pain good enough? I have cried over not getting pregnant for over 4 years now but because someone else has a miscarriage I am supoose to suck it up and be grateful that hasn't ever happened to me. I get it, I guess. But why can't people just accept that this is painful for me and acknowedge that fact? I feel like every month I have a miscarriage. The miscarriage of a dream. Yet again I am not good enough to be a mother. Or even worthy enough to be pregnant much less a monther.

I suppose it is my own fault. How many times did I pray for a husband and tell God I would be ok with not ever having children as long I found a husband and didn't die alone?! All lies I know. I just need to know what it is that I did to be so unworthy of a child?