Offically Over

Christmas that is. All of the decoration are down and packed up, just waiting on hubby to haul them into the attic. We had a very nice Christmas but I just can't believe it's another year and still no baby. When will I give up? At the ripe old age of 41 I need to give it up soon. I just can't let go of the idea that I was meant to be a mom. I really just can't. Yeah, I am a great aunt and a good wife and the bestest of friends (if I do say so myself) but I still feel like I am missing a part of my soul, like I am just not complete, unfinished somehow. But enough of that... time to be a big girl and move on. To what? That I am not to sure of but I am sure it will find me.

As the New Year approaches

How many resolutions have I made over the last 40+ years of my life? I would bet 99% of them all had something to do with losing weight. Why break tradition, this year will be the same. My goal this year is to break the 200 pound mark by my birthday this year. I am about 20 pounds away from this goal and I think if I am diligent this is doable by May. In order to reach this goal I am going to: 1. run 3 to 4 times a week, 2. no more ice cream will be brought into this house! If I want ice cream then I will have to go out and buy it in single servings, and 3. I will stay away from bread. I will do this... no excuses!

Good Enough?

Why isn't my pain good enough? I have cried over not getting pregnant for over 4 years now but because someone else has a miscarriage I am supoose to suck it up and be grateful that hasn't ever happened to me. I get it, I guess. But why can't people just accept that this is painful for me and acknowedge that fact? I feel like every month I have a miscarriage. The miscarriage of a dream. Yet again I am not good enough to be a mother. Or even worthy enough to be pregnant much less a monther.

I suppose it is my own fault. How many times did I pray for a husband and tell God I would be ok with not ever having children as long I found a husband and didn't die alone?! All lies I know. I just need to know what it is that I did to be so unworthy of a child?

Gratitude

How funny is it that I start looking for things to be thankful for and my "Message from God" on Facebook was that is it good to be grateful. It really is true that the more you look for things to be grateful for the more things you find.Here is my list for this week...
7. getting to work with old friends again
8. new recipes that turn out yummy
9. having lunch with my favorite 6 year old
10. afternoon naps
11. warm, clean, clothes right out of the dryer
12. a new white shirt
13. dinner with friends

Speaking of dinner with friends... this Saturday was Supper Club and Bart didn't have to work. Yippee!!! I'm still not sure what he thought but I enjoyed myself. I still feel like I am playing grown up though. Like at  any moment the grown up police will bust in and arrest me. In my head I am still in the 4th or 5th grade. But I got away with it again! Our theme was Jamaican and I was assigned to bring wine. Guess what? There is no Jamaican wine so, I brought sangria. It wasn't too good but hey, I tried. The food was good and dessert was awesome. I love key lime pie.

This week is going to be a strange mix of activities. I have a funeral to attend on Monday (so sad). Testing monitoring and packing begins on Tuesday and Saturday I am going to my MIL to a Woman's Conference that is being put on by my SIL's church. I am sure I will find lots of things to be grateful for this week.

Starting over...

I haven't blogged in such a long time. I felt like I was just bitching and moaning and while that is how I was (is am) feeling I don't want to live my life like that. All the negativity just sort of perpetuate itself and I have to take control of my thoughts and feelings and put myself in a more positive place. I am currently reading 1000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp and I have taken her challenge. I am recording 1000 gifts/blesings from God. After a week of looking I have recorded not quite a page of blessings. I don't naturally look at life like this. I am really having to look for those little blessings that surround me and be thankful for them. I can see all those magical thinkgs in other people's lives but I hhave such a hard time recognizing them in my own life. This is my Lenten journey- to focus on the good in my life and shine a light on it and thank GOd for them. So here we go, I am going to record these little blessings here on Sunday.
Daily Gifts:
1. Pretty things on sale at Target.
2. The ability to run/walk on a cool/brish morning.
3. Hot water heaters that break but don't flood my house and the ability to replace the broken one.
4. The ability to help friends in need. I may not have my own children but I have so many family and friends that I am available to help out with their children. As a result, I am such a part of those children's lives. I am Aunt Kat, not "just Aunt Kat". I can listen to them and not judge or get emotional because it is not my job to raise them. I can teach and mold them from a different place.
5. Hot showers!
6. A thoughtful husband how to make my coffee perfectly.