A little better...

OK- the last post was a total and complete pity party for myself. I am feeling a little better now. I spent a couple hours with Amie the other day and talked and cried and talked some more. She helped me get a little perspective that I just couldn't see. No, life is not fair and no, every one's life is not better or more fulfilled than mine. She is a problem solver like all of my closest friends (me too) but that day she just listened and didn't tell me what I needed to do or how I needed to feel. She just let me talk and gave me the space to say the things that I had not been able to say to anyone, not even myself. Thank you Amie.

Why?

I do OK for a couple of days, sometimes weeks and then bam! Emotions, sorrow and pity, failure and hopelessness become my closest companions. I can't figure it all out. You know 3 1/2 maybe 4 years ago I was OK with just being Aunt Kat. I had my sister's kids, Jutta's precious girls and Cindy's brood to babysit and love on and send back home when I had enough. I was OK with that, not thrilled mind you but I had come to accept that I wasn't going to be a momma like I hoped, not even a wife but I was Aunt Kat. I was important and loved. Then I met Bart. He wasn't even a possibility, I paid him no attention when I met him because let's face it, no man "wants" me. That is just not who I am. But I was wrong. He did want me and at 38, I got married and oh my goodness the dream of becoming a momma reared it's ugly head again. For the first few months I was OK, yes I did go a little COD about my cycle and the number of times we had sex and the timing of said relations but I was hopeful. Speed ahead now 13 months and I am distraught and no amount of fawning over me and trying to make me see that having a child doesn't define me does not work. I want a baby and that is it. There isn't anything you can say that would make me feel better. Life is not fair, I have not control over this, yes it is a miracle and only He knows the outcome, yadda, yadda. I want a baby and I don't think it is unreasonable for me to want one but at the age of 39 I am pushing my luck. Basically my doc said (in my own terms not hers) I am too old and too fat. But she did say it isn't impossible- don't loose hope and have I thought about exercise? No bitch, I never thought about that. I don't live in this body everyday and I didn't start my first diet at the ripe old age of 8. The only question I want answered is why? Why not me?